Honest lamentations of a lonesome boy

When I came into this world, I made a few people happy and made life difficult for many. 22 years down the line nothing's changed, only difference being I'm doing it from 9K miles away. I don't know where I belong, living a completely different life in the US compared to what I used to in India for the past 22 years. Not that this life is less exciting. In fact, I love the independence and free will that I get here. My career is taking a new direction and I am well on my way to realizing my dream of becoming a researcher. So what kinda life am I supposed to live?

I left some caring hearts and weeping souls behind when I came here, ones that I might never find here. I never thought I had the emotional stability to live a life away from my family knowing I once cried, not long before coming here, thinking about how my life would be after the clocks run out on my parents. Just one spark of that thought used to make me feel so insecure like a new born. I have to say I was born again after coming to US, a new, mature being. But am I mature afterall? I cannot balance my life between my career, family and hobbies, sometimes failing to even call my parents up in a fortnight. Am letting my family suffer blaming my inconsistencies on a naive, learning mind. Is it time to take things more seriously and atleast call my parents up regularly from now? One good thing is I have one of my best friends as my roommate here in Salt Lake City to support me, not to mention tens of other very good friends that I made during my college life who are now scattered all across the US. I have always put friends on par with if not above my family. I owe every bit of success, if any, in my academic and professional life to them for all the inspirations they provided knowingly or unknowingly. On the other hand I owe a great deal to my parents and brother for making my life joyous for 22 years and hopefully in all the years to come. I atleast get to talk to my mother quite often but I rarely speak to my dad. Much of our relationship is tacit. We don't speak a lot but we tend to understand each other very well.

A father son relationship is such an enigmatic one. I am glad I was raised by him. He taught me how to relish life in all it's beauty and wilderness. He taught safe but exciting ways to live. It is such a shame we don't get to talk to each other so often.

First song that comes to my mind thinking of father-son relationship is "Cats in the cradle" by harry chapin.

It goes like this

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you dad
You know I'm gonna be like you"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home dad?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw", I said "Not today
I got a lot to do", he said, "That's ok"
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him"

Well, he came home from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head and said with a smile
"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?"

I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time
You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"

The following stanza just sends shivers through my spine.

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

But unlike the dad in the song, my dad never put his career before his family. He cared so much for us that he had to make a lot of sacrifices in his professional life. I am happy to see he has no regrets. I am proud of him and I admire him. I know that professionally I might go on to be more successful than him with his full support but I am very skeptical if my personal life will be as successful as his. Watching my father I am not sure if I even deserve to be a father ever. I am deeply indebted to him for all my life and I cannot wish for a better guardian. He will remain my role model and continue to inspire me. He deserves a much better son and I will try to be one. love you dad.